My brain says no but my pants say off.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
