I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
