It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize