I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
