you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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