Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
