I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
