And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They took my balls.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
