she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
