life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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