So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
