you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
