did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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