I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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