Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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