Someone shit on the floor
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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