Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
