if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
