I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
