What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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