Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
