He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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