I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
