i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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