oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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