I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
