She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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