I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
