I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
