whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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