the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
