I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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