So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
