i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
