For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
