I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
