I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
