i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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