You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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