I love black thongs
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
