Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
