I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize