Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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