If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
