i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
