actually, I'm a sock model
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
