You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
