My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize