before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
