And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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