uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
