just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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