I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
