Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
