I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
