You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
