You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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